my giant elm...the roots of my life

i woke today thinking about the beautiful majestic elm tree that grew at the very back of our garden in my childhood home...it was the only elm that had survived the dutch elm disease of the early '50's...it was a symbol of hope and survival for me even as a small child...i would try to hug its massive trunk and struggle to grasp my tiny fingers on either side...i would sit there at the foot of this tree to nurture my sorrows and dream of my future....it was both mother and father to me this powerful, strong tree..i often imagined it talking to me and comforting me when i was sad, i could see a face amongst its rugged bark and imagined its branches bending to hold me close...

our crazy neighbour was intent on destroying it, tired of raking its autumn leaves...he would try every saw, knife, hammer....to murder my tree...but it would barely make an impression on its sturdy bark...i know i could hear my elm tree laughing at this fool of a man...

when my parents moved and sold this house, it was torn down and a monster home was built in its place...i didn't miss the house...too many horrible memories and sadness...to see a pile of rubble where our home used to be was a time of rejoicing for me, not of remorse...but my tree..

i stumbled into the gated backyard one night...the huge home had taken over our beautiful garden and the elm tree seemed much closer now...i tripped over large neglected childrens toys on my way to my tree...i hugged it...still unable to reach my fingers...i cried...sobbed...told it my story of the life i had lived since saying goodbye...it stood, so proud and strong, it listened and bent to caress me...it spoke in that deep earthy voice...i will always stand here...in this garden...for you...only you have noticed me...cared for me...needed me...only you understand the struggle i have had....

i woke today missing my elm tree...missing my love...missing a life free of sorrow...

the monster home had taken over the back garden.

all that remained was the giant elm tree towering ab0ve everything else.

branches tossed to the ground in a wind storm.

i long for those blessed leaves falling every autumn.....

there is no serenity here...the tree outside my fourth floor balcony houses the sparrow family, and occasionally you can hear their song above the roar of traffic.

the pigeons strut along the ledge, eyeing the discarded suitcase as a possible nesting place..

i view the top of a majestic pine and see into the hidden nest of birds....but i long for the roots and the earth instead....

mondays....the city and lipstick jungle...

another week has begun and i am wondering if i have missed an episode of the city...or if it is over...yes...i admit and confess to the addiction to the whitney show based in new york city..a weakness for the big apple and an affinity with the innocence of the character of whitney and her rogue-ish boyfriend jay...

the fate of lipstick jungle has been sealed and it has been cancelled after only 3 seasons...sadly...there are very few programs full of women characters that i can relate to but this was definitely one of the few...what can one expect in a world where a movie such as 'mall cop' can open at number one at the box office and make billions of dollars...where is there room for talent and creativity in that industry???...oh, the masses rule...and the masses are without taste or discretion...

i think of new york...my soul city...the city that captured my heart and soul...i tend to enjoy tv programs set in nyc and movies based there...the blue and white coffee cups on csi ny...my daughter has business there this weekend....i wonder if i can fit into her suitcase????....no, i have a trip of my own scheduled...to visit my man...it is not new york...but where there is a tim horton's and my beautiful love, there need not be an empire state building...

Rainy days and sundays never get me down...

I have spent several hours looking through my daughter's collection of Lula magazines...if you haven't seen it before please do yourself a favour and buy one...it is similar to opening a box of Godiva chocolates full of unique and imaginative creations...the creator/editor/stylist of Lula magazine, Leith Clark is a Canadian girl....yeah!!!....who interned at British Vogue, Harpers Bazaar and Interview magazines before creating her own magical publication...Lula-Girl of My Dreams...It is published twice a year and transports you to a place of beauty and romance that we all need in this world overdosed with reality....the spine of each magazine has a photograph of a necklace on it....how lovely is that...

dark and stormies....

my daughter just returned from business in bermuda with a case of ginger beer and a bottle of rum...apparently they make a wonderful drink named 'dark and stormies'...hmmm....

my boyfriend commented on the hockey bag filled with wedding dresses sitting in my living room, and the case of ginger beer as the scenario for a shotgun wedding...he makes me laugh...soon i will be visiting him...back into his arms where i have found the home i have searched for, the passion i have longed for, the acceptance i never thought i would find....

on my travels yesterday i found a round box of pencil crayons at Serres art supply store, and my usual collection of stickers...treasures...my flowery doc martens await their introduction to the world..but already it is too hot for me...and yes, i will complain about the heat...as someone who never complains about the rain, snow, cold, wind or slippery leaves...it is my due...

sunny days and from under the rocks crawl the people...

it is a very sunny day in toronto today and the streets once empty and calm are filled with people worshipping the golden globe...it always puzzles me at this time of year where they have all been through the winter months...personally i enjoy a walk every day and find great delight in the snowflakes dancing around me or the cold wind blowing me across the street...where do they all go??  i imagine some underground world where they crawl around like moles bumping into each other on their way to their jobs and grumbling about the cold, pale faces and vacant eyes, barely audible voices....so suddenly the world is alive with these creatures and they are happy, congregating on corners and speaking loudly, drinking coffee in outdoor cafes and beer on patios...laughing and smiling as though they had just discovered the ability to...at times like these i really do wonder if i am human...or some strange alien planted on earth to observe the habits of these predictable and boring beasts....i am an island...and on my island are beautiful flowers and french bull dogs, bull terriers, and golden labs...

it is a grey and rainy thursday march the 26th but the rain does not impede my daily walk and exploration of the neighbourhood...many grumpy faces passed me today and i constantly wonder why most people need the sun and heat to create smiles...perhaps they are trained early in life to believe that a good day is one with sun and a bad day is a rainy one...that was certainly not my upbringing nor the way i brought up my children...as my scottish parents would say..'if you never went out in the rain in Scotland...you would never go out'...the rain brings peace and softness to the world and we could do with fewer negative weather forecasters and naysayers who only encourage the hedonistic worship of the sun...here's to the cloudy days and the raindrops...i love how my hair magically turns into ringlets....

scrapbook pages

this is a sample of my scrapbooks...many flower stickers fill in the blanks arranged with favourite ads from magazines or photos i enjoy...my favourite actress is chloe sevigny...the talented yet almost hidden talent...she is most definitely a new yorker...quietly moving through the world shining her brilliance on a mostly unaware public...i love new york, where your brilliance can shine without being seen...

rainy wednesday

another wednesday is upon us.

..wednesday is a friendly day, half way through with promises of better days ahead...it is a cloudy, rainy day in toronto..i don't mind, in fact, i love the rain...i love the weather...snowstorms, thunderstorms, freezing temperatures...i like when mother nature shows us humans who truly is in charge

complaining about the weather

 is a torontonians favourite pastime but one i won't indulge in...dressed properly, there is nothing wrong with the cold wind against your skin and the snow melting on your cheeks...and there is nothing more exciting than an angry thunderstorm pelting the rain against the windows and shaking the panes of glass with its thunderous roar...i am remembering a particular summer storm last year, huddled under a tree with my love, both of us soaked through and mesmerized by the power of the sudden change...knowing we shouldn't be standing under a tree during a lightning storm didn't faze us...so in love...invincible...

and now i must sleep...

suddenly this evening i decided that i need to create a blog...i have been searching for something to fill in the cracks of a life of a 'sandwich generation' victim...the mother of adults looking after her 88 year old mother...something to transport me to a quiet place of beauty and dreams...like the dreams of my youth....all colours and flowers and tulle....bows and lace and magical sights....the day is long, the night is late and now i must sleep....my inspirations will come...give me time...creation will begin very soon...good night to all...may tomorrow bring a pink painted door or a package of delicate flower stickers....did i mention how much i love gummy bears and worms...???  well, i do...