easter bunnies, spring and family heartache

Easter...chocolate bunnies, spring flowers, eggs, the promise of new beginnings...if you aren't a religious person, easter is a chance to be with loved ones and search for easter eggs, eat too much and break chocolate ears from bunnies heads...

i remember standing in our local delicatessen as a little girl listening to my mother spelling out the names of her three children as the man behind the counter wrote them onto hollow eggs and hollow bunnies....the smell of pastrami over-riding the sweetness of the chocolate... the magic of the easter bunny forever shattered by this tradition...little girl lost in the sliced meats and olives...wondering where the innocence had gone at 4 years old...

when my children were small, easter was a celebration of fun and searching for hidden treasures in spite of the dysfunction that surrounded them...the magic should never be taken away from children...they should dream, believe, and forever hope...

this easter, i am away from the man that i love and we both feel the sadness of longing...he is my easter bunny, my santa, my tooth fairy, my birthday party....he is magical and loving and hope springs eternal when we are together....

there will be no pastrami for dinner or hollow bunnies...my love is solid .....

OF SCRAPBOOKS, WALLS AND PRETTY PICTURES...

Ever since i was old enough to hold a pair of scissors, i have cut out pictures from magazines and flyers and pasted them in blank scrapbooks, on walls, on garbage pails...anywhere that needed some colour and life...it has been a life-long quest of mine to beautify my little corner of the world always hopeful that the beauty i surround myself with will somehow, through osmosis, penetrate the deep corners of my sad mind and my aching heart...

forever the optimist, i have continued this joyful work..

finding that it had a legitimate name in the real world...decoupage, artistic expression, inspiration walls........who knew.....the innocence of children and their will to dig to china and climb trees to touch the heavens is what keeps us alive and determined to find that elusive joy...my child-like passion for colour and image keeps me in the hunt for that contentment...sitting in the farmhouse kitchen of my boyfriends' 93 year old grandmother this weekend was the closest to complete happiness i have ever felt in my life...i didn't want to leave...who would want to leave their happy place that all of the digging and climbing had never uncovered....love transports us to places we could not discover alone...

Of motels and peeling walls...

In Belleville on the weekend we stayed in a motel that reminded me of the stuff that movies are made of...the line of rooms where the motorcars can line up beside the room...i felt as though i had found my home..i could imagine planting pansies in window boxes and welcoming home my love every night...to our little blue room with the two doors...one leading to the endless hall that looks like a scene from "the shining"...the other to the outside world and a brief walk to tim hortons...

walking through the streets of this town and feeling the history and the life of my love at every turn...learning so much more about this man who has captured my heart and where his world began..

the peeling painted walls and worn wooden doors...the city is so far away...

the snow has fallen overnight on this april day and i am amused by the number of people who are puzzled by this phenomenon...it has happened so many times before...snow in april...do they realize that a cold, wet spring creates a bountiful harvest of spectacular flowers that last long into the summer with vibrant colour and storybook size? there is a reason for everything in nature...but as Wordsworth once said so profoundly...

'the world is too much with us; late and soon,
getting and spending, we lay waste our powers:
little we see in Nature that is ours;
we have given our hearts away, a sordid boon!
this sea that bares her bosom to the moon;
the winds that will be howling at all hours,
and are up-gathered now like sleeping flowers;
for this, for everything, we are out of tune;
it moves us not...

the earth beneath my feet...

>my weekend in the country is over...i am numb with sadness and longing for the earth beneath my feet and my love beside
me...there is a peace there...a calming hand placed on my soul taking away the sorrow, the worry, the confusion..

the city is my home, my birthplace, but i have always managed to find natures treasures here...a need to feel that connection to the soil, the smell of the spring, the solitude of an open field..

meeting the people in your loved ones life is wonderful...a dog sits in my lap and accepts me..a grandmother tells stories of her life on the farm, parents struggle to overcome the awkwardness of introduction, to find that you are not the ogre or temptress they might have feared...you are the woman who loves their son...the woman who wants you to love him as i do...to erase the past and enter the present and the future and embrace the amazing creation they have made....love is lost in translation...their love that created him...perhaps that is where things go wrong...it is all about love for me...love should be so basic and simple...like the solitary horse on the lonely hill..unafraid and at peace...

the birds were singing...i saw my first robin...i met a mourning dove named rosie and a dog named slim shady...a lovely old dog named kitty who hid from my camera but ate both dinners not intended for her...a golden retriever named buddy and a shih-tze named missy....i can never spell that dog breed...i am so calm...i love my man with my soul, my heart and the blood rushing through my veins...i envision us in a country home with a wild garden and creatures wild and tame who visit us...love breeds love...and love will grow in our garden....

LOVE HURTS...

there is nothing more wonderful than being in love and nothing more devastating than being in love....was it the group foreigner who sang that song 'love hurts' with the plaintive vocals and tearful pleas...the path of love never runs smoothly...it is the greatest joy and the deepest sorrow and yet we throw ourselves into its depths with dreams of forever and endless romance...

it is difficult to be away from the one you love and i try hard to hold on to the quote..'if a flame is small, the slightest breeze can extinguish it...but if the flame is strong and powerful, even the winds of a hurricane can only fan the flame and make it grow even greater...

i am lovesick and filled with sadness today, and i wonder why we fall in love with the ones we do...some unfulfilled past life experience....some inexplicable connection that cannot be denied...the heart is a muscle...it aches, and yearns and needs to be soothed....i am without solace today....

my giant elm...the roots of my life

i woke today thinking about the beautiful majestic elm tree that grew at the very back of our garden in my childhood home...it was the only elm that had survived the dutch elm disease of the early '50's...it was a symbol of hope and survival for me even as a small child...i would try to hug its massive trunk and struggle to grasp my tiny fingers on either side...i would sit there at the foot of this tree to nurture my sorrows and dream of my future....it was both mother and father to me this powerful, strong tree..i often imagined it talking to me and comforting me when i was sad, i could see a face amongst its rugged bark and imagined its branches bending to hold me close...

our crazy neighbour was intent on destroying it, tired of raking its autumn leaves...he would try every saw, knife, hammer....to murder my tree...but it would barely make an impression on its sturdy bark...i know i could hear my elm tree laughing at this fool of a man...

when my parents moved and sold this house, it was torn down and a monster home was built in its place...i didn't miss the house...too many horrible memories and sadness...to see a pile of rubble where our home used to be was a time of rejoicing for me, not of remorse...but my tree..

i stumbled into the gated backyard one night...the huge home had taken over our beautiful garden and the elm tree seemed much closer now...i tripped over large neglected childrens toys on my way to my tree...i hugged it...still unable to reach my fingers...i cried...sobbed...told it my story of the life i had lived since saying goodbye...it stood, so proud and strong, it listened and bent to caress me...it spoke in that deep earthy voice...i will always stand here...in this garden...for you...only you have noticed me...cared for me...needed me...only you understand the struggle i have had....

i woke today missing my elm tree...missing my love...missing a life free of sorrow...

the monster home had taken over the back garden.

all that remained was the giant elm tree towering ab0ve everything else.

branches tossed to the ground in a wind storm.

i long for those blessed leaves falling every autumn.....

there is no serenity here...the tree outside my fourth floor balcony houses the sparrow family, and occasionally you can hear their song above the roar of traffic.

the pigeons strut along the ledge, eyeing the discarded suitcase as a possible nesting place..

i view the top of a majestic pine and see into the hidden nest of birds....but i long for the roots and the earth instead....